dysphoria

I am so happy right now. My fingertips are raw from new holds, I’m probably going to start trying to set routes at the gym, our head routesetter is totally cool with it, and I’m going to try to focus on bouldering and becoming a better climber.

+ ❝

I will not wait to love as best as I can. We thought we were young and that there would be time to love well sometime in the future. This is a terrible way to think. It is no way to live, to wait to love.

— Dave Eggers “What is the What”

I’ve messed up my right hand somehow, so gripping things sends a sharp pain into my thumb. It’s the world’s biggest bummer because now I can’t climb without being in a overwhelming amount of pain. I’m going to the doctor tomorrow to finally figure out what’s wrong with it and determine how long I need to not climb. However, Shane and I are going on a day trip to the New on Friday, and if I can’t climb, I don’t know what I’ll do.

Sometimes, I wish I looked generic. Sometimes, I want to look like every other skinny, long-haired, normal girl. Sometimes, looking different is a terrible thing.

This will be the second night of sleeping with my man this week and I am the happiest girl in the world. Great climbing, great man, great love, great life. What more could I ask for?

I’m pretty sure I just climbed harder than I have in a fucking long time. After work, Shane belayed me for an hour, and in that hour I climbed a 5.10+, two 5.10-s, six 5.9s and up and down on a 5.8 on the fin. All without super big breaks, one after the other. I am feeling worn out but fucking good.

Tonight was good. I got some tough climbs in, tried some even tougher, all after doing TRX for an hour. My body is aching, but bow I get to lay by my man and fall asleep in his arms all night. I am a happy lady.

There is only one man on the face of this earth who has the ability to make me smile in any situation. Shane is the only person I feel completely comfortable with being myself with, my silly, goofy, stupid self. I wouldn’t turn in a portion of our lives together for anything in the world. I am in love, and it is sappy, and the best thing to have happened to me. I feel free with Shane, I feel good.

Climbed my 5.11 at the gym today with no breaks, no falls, no thinking. It felt amazing, I love that climb, I love climbing. I feel so empowered when I do something right.

It would be nice to be happy about myself all the time. Being unhappy makes it worse, and it’s a never-ending cycle of love and hate. Most of the time, hate. I’ll never look like those gorgeous tiny girls, and I suppose I should learn to accept it, but god that will be the hardest thing to do. I’ve been trying for years, and haven’t gotten there yet.

After a long, great day, here I am laying in bed with my man. I couldn’t be happier about anything on this earth.

+ I had a phenomenal first of May.

It was the last day of classes. I bouldered and top roped with Shane, then went to Peak to climb more after he went to his last class. I ended up working for a little bit with the junior team kids, and climbing after. I did some top roping that kicked my butt and still managed to get a lot done in the bouldering cave. I am feeling tired and good and happy.

If you ever find yourself searching for something to make you feel good about yourself and your body, rock climb. Discover all the amazing things your muscles can do, and push them and yourself to be the best you can.